Live to Die

A new hobby

2007-10-23T01:42:00.000-07:00

A new Hobby

WARNING: i raelly do not feel like talking about my life right now, so will be talking about bull, and other stuff like that... so bear with me

Well well well. It has been a while since i last posted here. sigh... guess that other things occupied my time, like anime!!! yup, i caught the anime fever and could not stop watching... and i really watched quite a few. i think i would like to comment on some of my favourites so here goes...

Koi Kaze

My personal favorite, although it is not for the conservative. You have got to be very open-minded to watch this, but if you are, then you will thoroughly enjoy this.

It is about a man and his younger sister (by 12 years). They were separated not long since the younger sister’s birth due to their parents’ divorce. Now, one is 27 and one is 15. They meet again, and begins to live under one roof as the sister goes to a high school near to her brother’s house. The brother begins to find out that his feelings for her are more than just brotherly. This is the story of how the pair comes to terms about their feelings.

A very very beautiful anime, so sweet that it is painful. The opening theme is simply holy. After watching the anime, whenever I hear the opening theme, my heart would ache, literally. The characters are not your typical cute girl and handsome young man, but very realistic instead. This is what I feel differentiates this from the other animes I have watched. The music throughout the episodes is minimal, yet very appropriate. There is a lot of character development and you will find yourself (at least I did) falling in love with the protagonists, and you will really laugh and cry with them. Highly recommended if you think you can handle this.

Melody of Oblivion

The first full anime I have watched (other than those on kids central, which are so immature and should not be counted as anime. I mean Beyblade?! YAKS!). Though various reviews I have read had very different opinions, I felt that this is a very good show, on the condition that you read the wiki for it before u watch the anime.

This is about a world where monsters (like mythical creatures from Greek mythology, e.g. Minotaur, Medusa, Pan etc) conquered the Earth after a bloody 20^th century war. Now they concealed themselves to the new generation and put up a façade that nothing is really wrong. A boy called Bocca discovered that he is a Meros Warrior (the warriors who fight the monsters) and set off on a journey to rediscover his world, his powers and his responsibility.

Now this anime is far from perfect. Firstly the monsters, when they show their true form (they walk around in human form), can turn people into stone, dolls and bowling balls (wtf?!). Oh, did I mention, Bocca, the boy, is really non-gender specific? I mean, they say he is a boy, and he does not have breasts. But his face, voice, clothes, can really pass him off as a girl without any question. (wtf?!) But these are some things you have to accept for you to watch and enjoy it. Once you come to terms with the above and some other stuff, you will find that the overall effect produced is really very good. Separated, the story is average to lousy. The characters are average. The episode story is average. The music is very good, but that is only one factor. Put it all together, for the first 20 episodes, it is watchable and perhaps a little nice. The last four episodes are THE thing. It left me thinking about it for days. The ending (for me) is simply beautiful. However, as mentioned, the rating for this anime is really controversial, so if you do not want to risk wasting 12 hours, don’t watch. If you feel like taking a risk, you might really gain a vast amount of enjoyment, like I did.

Elfen Lied

German for Elven Song. WARNING! The opening theme is full of nudity. The FIRST scene of the anime is a severed arm, with its fingers still twitching. You got it. This is one anime FULL of nudity and gore. It makes Terminator (where Arnold Schwarzenegger tore out someone’s heart) seem like FF7 (where the characters do NOT bleed no matter what u do to them). Maybe a little exaggerated but you get the idea. So if you are faint-hearted, skip this anime. If you get offended by nudity, skip this anime. Otherwise, you are in for a stunning series, where they tear apart any remaining shreds of your innocence.

The story is about a mutant race called Diclonius. They have 2 horns on their heads, which look suspiciously like cats’ ears. But that’s not important. They have vectors, invisible arms, strong enough to break solid steel. One of them escaped the compound they were kept in (after massacring the guards) went out into the world.

All the nudity and gore is not tasteless fanservice, they have significant value in the anime. The nudity firstly has very little sexual context, more of a display of innocence. The gore sets the dark mood for the dark world. This series speaks a lot about our need for control, our fear of the different, alienation of the feared, abuse and other social ills. Surprisingly, even in the darkness, there is romance involved too. Oh yes, the artwork is really beautiful. I cannot say anymore without providing spoilers, so if you think you got the guts, go watch this. You will not regret it.

well these are my top 3 choices.. sorry for boring those who dun watch anime (they could have skipped it though :P)
at the end of the year, i could not really say that i am satisfied with my results, but i guess results should not really affect me that much. after leading a happy life is more important. watching these anime made me happy though XD so i would definitely watch more. Of course, i would try not to go overboard and leave some time for studies, after all, pissed off parents make unhappy children....

Embrace the End

A long while...

2007-05-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

A long while

It has been a while since I blogged. My schedules were really quite full and i had no interest or time to blog again. so a brief recount of good and (mostly) bad things that happened...

since April, well bball lost to some-school-whose-name-i-cannot-recall in the Nike league. sad loss... not what i would consider a good end to basketball in ri... but none the less, the team had fun, i had fun. good enough then. a regrettable regret is that we were not able to win bball gear which included shoes i think. shoes really cost a bunch, would love to get some for free but, oh well, no use crying over spilt milk. time to move on.

syf came and despite our hard work and hours we spent, the frigging judges gave us silver... not that they gave a lot of ppl gold... only 3 got gold, 1 gwh. at least we were in the finals. we picked ourselves up, tried harder for the finals and the performance at rj. the first time i actually saw the coach, i did not really like him... or the atmosphere in hua hui. maybe it is just us being there as guests. but what the heck, slowly some of them opened up their frosty carapace, and actually talked to me! imagine that... :D (well... never mind. poor attempt at sarcasm fails)

so on the first night of performance, one of them told me that one jc's performance was similar to ours, and wondered if ours was original. i was confused and did not really think much abt it. a coincidence. (ppl are so good at throwing unexplainable things to coincidence). the next morning was the finals. guess what, acjc had the same coach as us and their act was basically a rip off. i did not like the lack of respect for our time, but what's done is done. however some idiot sec one who was boot licking the coach previously now took a 180 turn and started to spew this little gossip along with his own unworthy opinion to everyone he sees, including the rj chairman. seldom do i feel disgust and repulsion to someone but this time he crossed my limits (actually he did do some other disgusting acts which really puts ppl off. i shall not mention it as it is too revolting for my blog). god bless ri and cdc in the year 2010 when he becomes a sec 4. hopefully he changes, but if he does not...

so back to a more pleasant topic: the performance went rather well, except for the fact that the rj ppl made us feel extra all the way. so we insisted on lai ye. vg bitched around saying that her responsibility is over for the year and everything must be up to us. shdnt have mentioned her... she revolts me more than u-noe-who (read up there if u dun). she shirks from everything we try to put on her, including a signature (so that rgs can come act with us). the hypocrite then says something abt not not trusting us but she doesn't want the others to come after her if things screw up. why the **** doesn't she just **** off, get out of our lives and let us have a better teacher in charge. yeah get the **** out of ri as well cos we cannot stand u being our form teacher, or even being in the same school (or compound) as us. oh yeah, the Chinese depart can do the same, cos WHO THE **** COMES UP WITH SUCH RETARDED AND IDIOTIC MARKING SCHEME DESIGNED FOR 5 YEAR OLDS WHO HAS A TOTAL LACK OF INFERENCE SKILL?! only ppl as retarded as the above mentioned group.

after venting my anger i shall get back to the correct time... which is after the rj performance. (we got gold for finals btw) basically we are now doing new scripts cos we decided to scrap the old one. hoping for rgs to come (the chances r virtually nil now thx to a certain living being... NO NOT A HUMAN! SHE DISGRACES HUMANS AND OTHER ANIMALS AKA BITCHES, ALIKE). also hoping for the sec 3s to come up with another. our one is really controversial, but i shant tell ppl here cos there will be no suspence. i really wonder how ppl will respond to this, but what the heck, i shall just go ahead with it and see. it would be really bad if this affects our juniors... but we hope that it will not happen

currently, i am doing really bad in bio... somebody help me pls!!!! i am literally failling the subject. the first time in my life that i really fail a subject then (except for p1 when i did not noe english and got 0 for the entrance test. got 69 2 months later)... i don't what has gone wrong and that is the worst of it. if i do at least i can do something about it. dying and not knowing why is really tragic in my opinion.

somehow i am forcing myself to do pt and i hope it can last (cos i can sense wavering already after say a week?). 6 suicides and 1 finisher (hoping to make it 2) every other day. by the time i go back to training i hope that i can be fitter than ever and maybe, just maybe i can dunk! :D i tried to do another suicide pt (in chinese it is 跳楼自杀 :D）basically i hop up 10 floors to go home everyday... tough huh? i still have not done any yet but i shall try (then i can remove the finisher part)

this post is unlike my previous ones, cos such a long time has gone by and i need to sort things out. but i shan't break the trend and here comes emo stuff...

life has not gone the way i wanted it to be. first the bball, syf, tests and results. i try to deceive myself that these does not matter, i can always move on. but i am not feeling better. on the outside i may seem happy-go-lucky, or always cheerful. yeah, i guess i am such a person. but i am also a dark person with dark thoughts of life and death, only when i am alone, and catalysed by music. at times i wonder, if i am really alone in this world. i do not feel that anyone will be there for me if i fall. in fact i am falling and no one is here. it does not matter if this is really what i have to go through... i recall a time when i go home and play card games with myself. i pulled through that, and i can pull through this. opening up is not the way for me i guess. friends are not the way for me. it is just me myself and i.

Ooohhh

*I don't have no one*

*me, myself & I*,

listen

Allow me to take the blame

Everything I did, I did it all by myself, it was just *me, myself & I*

Listen, Couldn't believe the things that I went through,

because of all my wrong doings

it was *me, myself & I*

Ooohhh listen, tryin' not to worry about a thing,

but it's hard when I know I put it all on myself

it was *me, myself & I*

Ooohhh listen, cause all the trouble I got myself in,

it was up to me, couldn't depend on no one but

*me, myself & I* yeah...

Cause often times I feel like I'm all alone in this world and

*I don't have no one* but me *me, myself & I*

'Cause often times I feel like I'm all alone in this world and

*I don't have no one* but me *me, myself & I*

Ooohhh listen,

see I done left those streets alone,

half my niggas long, long gone and it's just me

*me, myself & I*

Listen, Ain't got nobody to turn to

Can't complain 'cause nobody can burn you, why must it be

*me, myself & I*

Ooohhh listen, even though it felt good to be alone

It didn't feel that good to walk in my home it just

*me, myself & I*

Ooohhh listen, Can't believe I'm on top of the world

But to me nothing feels the same no more, and i blame me

*me, myself & I*

'Cause often times I feel like I'm all alone in this world and

*I don't have no one*

but me *me, myself & I*

'Cause often times I feel like I'm all alone in this world and

*I don't have no one*

but me *me, myself & I*

So can you please tell me where my people at

It was from way back when I started with

I'm still tryin' to figure out where they went, and why is it

*me, myself & I*

'Cause the world keepin busy girl', as I go, put your right go and feel alone

It should be the other way around you know,

but it's just *me, myself & I*,

myself & II, me, myself & I *me, myself & I*Me, myself & II, me, myself & I *me, myself & I*

'Cause often times I feel like I'm all alone in this world and

*I don't have no one* but me

*me, myself & I*

'Cause often times I feel like I'm all alone in this world and

*I don't have no one* but me

*me, myself & I*

*Listen*

p.s. my longest post, 1.6k words... haha

Wings to Fly

2007-04-09T23:02:00.000-07:00

Wings to Fly

Sometimes i wonder what all this is for? why do what i do? Life is not about studying, its not about money, its not about knowledge. it is happiness. an unhappy life is a life devoid of purpose. the very existence of a higher order being such as ourselves is about enjoyment. Everything we do, everything we try to achieve, no matter how wrong or misguided, is about happiness. But they are trying to take away the very things which drive my existence. My personal believe is that every minute not enjoyed is a minute wasted. u may think that i am not a driven person, a person who doesn't care about his future. i guess it is true in the traditional sense, where a good job = happiness, money = happiness. but it cannot be further from the truth. True happiness, in my opinion is independent of such physical factors. Happiness can be found when one loves what he does, the people around him, etc.

Right now, i love certain aspect of my life, acting in cdc, playing basketball, being with friends. but parents never understand, do they? they try to take away everything i hold dear under the reason that they know the best for me. I don't think so man. I have the right to live my life. I can use my own wings to soar through the journey of life. i do not want them to restrict me. the way things are going, i might as well not be alive... but i will carry on, hoping the situation will improve.

Embrace the End

Fluctuation

2007-03-14T04:09:00.000-07:00

Fluctuation

Earlier on, I almost died. from boredom... a very bad way to go man. It is absolutely agonzing. Wanted to play som ball. Ended up raining after a few minutes. Couldn do a shit after that. I can't find anything to do at all. Needed to vent some frustration by throwing stuff around. didn help in the least, just got me more worked up. went online and thank god kai saved me. chatted a little and became much better. Decided to use my time more constructively by posting :D so here i am. The fluctuation of mood is rather expected, but equally painful if not more so.self doubt and thoughts of giving up really got to my head. The rain did not help my situation. The rain...

Head spinnin' feelin' like it's gonna explode
And I just wanna know
If anybody out there's feelin' me
I'm losin' my mind
And I can't believe
I let this shit get the best of me
And now I gotta let ya know

One's got me insane
Cause I can't stand the rain
It's hitting my window pane
A little too much
That’s why I gotta let ya know
One's got my face in a frown
Cause I can't stand the sound
Of the thunder that's crashing down
Upon my house

Embrace the End...

Awakening

2007-03-11T03:41:00.000-07:00

Awakening

I got home after lan on thursday and deleted all my games. A new start from now on. dedicating this post and my gratitude to zixuan. a beautiful mind there. Good luck man.

may regret this decision but that makes it all the more wise. if i can restrain myelf, better take away the temptations. Ending off this post with a song, blown away

(akon)
cheh

(styles p)
this shit is crazy
crazy

(akon)
it's one of those things man
you gotta experience to know what i'm talkin' about
ha ha
it's where the goin' get rough

(styles p)
akon

(akon)
the tough stay tough

(styles p)
styles p

(akon)
up front
let's go
konvict

(akon)
we in too deep to turn back now d

(styles p)
sure is

(akon)
watch yourself
before you get
blown away

(styles p)
you know where i come from
the place where your fate is a mic
or a bull or a dum dum
a jail cell a pine box
and brothers is dumb young
young boys
still bustin' guns for the slum
that they come from
cops is the only ones they gon' run from
that's it
they puttin' they hood up
but 9 out of 10 of us ain't got good luck
you gon' ride on a man and catch 25
or get hit and get sent to the other side
you lose both sides of the coin
so me i play the hood baby
not in the
mama got a little church i could join
but i didn't go yet
man got a mosque i could join
but i didn't go yet
cool with the devil on my back
i'm in cold sweats
bout to do some dirt
in some dirty black old sweats
if you known you shoulda shown the way
mosta the hood bout to get blown away

(akon)
cause i was raised up to show no fear
cowardly hearts'll never last long here
if you ain't man enough to make shit clear
guaranteed you'll get blown away
cause i done seen the block break down tears
and i done seen the cops break my peers
tryin' to hold on to a couple more years
tryin' not to get blown away

see i ain't never shot nobody
but i'm known for fightin'
so when i strike man
you'll think you been struck by lightning
shouldn't have to prove myself by killin' a nigga
even a child could figure out how to pull the trigga
retaliation only takes anger mixed with passion
so you target in the distance and keep on blastin'
they say guns don't kill people, people do
so when you're hit man
you feel that shit the evils do
can't see myself get beat down
my eyes swollen
mom's cryin' they don't know what happened
my pride's stolen
if i ain't got my heat then i got a blade
that hit ya off

cause i was raised up to show no fear
cowardly hearts'll never last long here
if you ain't man enough to make shit clear
guaranteed you'll get blown away
cause i done seen the block break down tears
and i done seen the cops break my peers
tryin' to hold on to a couple more years
tryin' not to get blown away

keep my eye out for jakes
ears to the streets
other eye out for snakes
and these scandalous freaks
if we ain't on good terms
don't bother to speak
don't smile and try to spark a convo with me
same thing'll make ya laugh it'll make ya cry
this quiet nigga, he'll take ya life
hate for it to be the world's sacrifice
if somebody else could travel
through the tunnel of life
cause i'm that type of guy i'll be there
when you're ridin'
but i'll stay to myself
so if you see me out there
with a bear we fightin'
then nigga go help the bear

cause i was raised up to show no fear
cowardly hearts'll never last long here
if you ain't man enough to make shit clear
guaranteed you'll get blown away
cause i done seen the block break down tears
and i done seen the cops break my peers
tryin' to hold on to a couple more years
tryin' not to get blown away

Tempest

2007-02-22T21:45:00.000-08:00

Tempest

I woke up with a hangover yesterday even though i did not touch a drop(ok, not a hangover. a bluddy splitting headache). why, oh why does my life fit into greeday songs so well? this really says something.
Lost to outram. really disappointed. the early demise of the team is something i will rmb for a long time... this hardly helps me recouperate...
earlier my parents had a fight. the past few days were the calm before the storm i guess. as usual they get all emotional and leaving me feeling embaressed for them. what a way to spend the new year huh? dun noe how i should feel over this (besides being embaressed), but to hell with them. I would not allow them to spoil my life. no matter what happens in the end, this is my life. I will live it the way i want.

reflected a little in the cny. maybe i have been quite selfish. every man for himself but i should still treat my friends better.

my parents' frens came over on the 17th, and after a while i went to playcom, leaving them alone. selfishness. i will try to change that. iwill try not to be an egoistic bastard as well. basically i am trying to improve. thx to everyone for bearing with me in the past.

Take away the sensation inside

Bitter sweet migraine in my head

It's like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind

I can't take this feeling anymore

Drain the pressure from the swelling

The sensation's overwhelming

Give me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alright

Tell me that I won't feel a thing

So give me Novacaine

Embrace the End

Rock Bottom

2007-02-17T10:40:00.000-08:00

Rock Bottom

just when i thought that things cannot get worse, they did... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is going my way. i felt like a idiot yesterday. can hardly face myself... i have really hit a low. I am in dark mood now... but i am seldomly affected for long. should be better after 24 hrs, i hope. or else going through cny will be a pain...

on a brighter note, the visit back to nanhua is good. happy to see ms wong and ms loo. happy to indulge in the nostalgia that filled me when i recall the happy pri sch days. but reminds me how screwed up i am now...

Embrace the End

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

2007-02-16T11:55:00.000-08:00

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Vg pms like there is no tomorrow. Scolded jonny jus cos he folded paper airplane. Sent zk outta class for no good reason. Can not stand her anymore even if I tried. But I still have to act nice in front of her. When will this torment end? If not for the legacy wen jun left behind, I would quit cdc, to hell with chairman and cca points. With teachers like that… well I can only say isn't life great?
I had been dreaming for so long. Now the dream is broken and I am awake. I can see my destination clearly in sight. It will be long before I get there, but get there I will. Everyone will. What mattersnow is how the journey there will be like. Process is more important than the end after all. Shan't dwell on matters that have past, or things I cannot control.
Match coming up. I have failed terribly so far. I am not so foolish to blame it on my inexperience. If I am selected to be in the team, I can do it. I cannot blame anything but myself. I will give it my best shot from now on. I will see if I can step up to the challenge.
Now to end off, the song that inspired this post. It reflects my feelings...

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goesBut it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleepsand I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone I walk alone
I walk alone I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border lineOf the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone I walk alone
I walk alone I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ahAh-ah, Ah-ah

I walk aloneI walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

Embrace the End

The Beginning of a New End

2007-02-13T14:35:00.000-08:00

The Beginning of a New End

I did a lot of thinking lately. Too many things in life are not going as expected. I usually take wateva life throws at me in my stride but that does not mean that I am satisfied. Anyway I shall start my first ever post with a quote, "Hell is stretch of eternal emptiness. There is no pain nor are there no memories. 'That is not so bad,' you may say. But without pain, there is no pleasure. Without sadness there is no joy. Without the past there is no future. Without memories there is no consciousness. What is heaven then? It is furnace, every second there is filled with pain and memories." This ought to leave y'all thinking too.
Recently, I have been really busy. Basketball season, LDP, events for Chinese New Year, coupled with homework and projects. Upcoming events like CDC competition and joint performance with RJ will keep me busy till June. After that, vive la liberté, I can concentrate on friends and other stuff.
Talking about friends, I just realized one thing, once I reach 18, yitao will be my schoolmate for half our lifetimes, and classmates for at least a third. That is a really long time. Well, I hope this can be a life long friendship, even if we part ways, keep in contact k? This goes for whoever considers me their friend. Dun really noe y I am saying this, since most of my friends will be in rj with me, but just felt like expressing this wish ahead of time.
This year is an important year. I will strive hard to do well. But what I have really done in the past 3 years? I dun really noe. Time really seems to fly by, not leaving even the slightest traces behind. This life just seems empty, devoid of true happiness or meaning. What am I doing here? I shall ponder this question as I trudge through the last year in RI. All good things come to an end. Bad stuff too...

Embrace the End